Somewhere along the way I became middle-aged, and it really fucking pisses me off

I never have been or never will be Shanequa, so yeah, QUIT CALLING!

Why is it that when someone calls you, and it’s a wrong number, and you TELL them it’s a wrong number, they don’t believe you. It’s like they think your lying or something.

Are you sure this isn’t Shanequa?

Look dude, I’m pretty sure I’d remember if my name was Shanequa. Not to mention the fact that I’m a guy.

And then they text you.

Hey girl, what are you doing to night?

Right, like that’s going to fool you. Like you don’t know that it’s the same person who just called you. Like, if I really WAS Shanequa, then the texting technique would fool me and I would be a stupid bonehead who would not get the connection between the call and the text.

I want to speak to Shanqua. WHY AREN’T YOU SHANEQUA!!!

And then they get all pissed and defensive.

I HATE PHONES!

or maybe it’s just the people calling and not actually the phone. Not sure.

Anyway…

How can I convince this person that I am not Shanequa, or that I am not some person who has Shandqua’s phone. Like we’re at the club or something and someone calls and Shanequa goes, “Oh damn! It’s blah blah. I don’t want to talk to him. Here, take my phone and pretend that they got the wrong number”.

Anyhow, that’s what I’m thnking that the person on the other end of the line is thinking.

And then they go, “Who is this”.

That doesn’t matter. You got the wrong stinkin’ number. Don’t call or text me again. You goofed up. This ain’t Shanequa’s phone. Accept that fact and move on. I can’t make this Shanequa person materialize in front of me because I HAVE NO FRICKIN’ CLUE WHO THAT EVEN IS!

And then 2 days later they text you again.

“Hey girl, what’s up”?

Really dumbass? You’re that stupid?

Sometimes I feel like pretending that I AM Shanequa. I fell like spouting lurid sex talk. I feel like making up a bunch of shit. I fell like saying, Oh I’m sorry, Shanequa died.”

But, I don’t. I just keep feeling the angst over not being able to convince this person on the other end of the line that I AM NOT MOFO SHANEQUA. And that I am not hiding her.

Sometimes I fell like flushing the damn phone down the toilet.

Interpreting Superstorm Sandy

I don’t know if she’s talking about falling trees, or that dangling crane.

Run as fast as you can to higher ground?

Dont use a squirt bottle to extiguish the fires?

and then the lava will erupt like this! Oh wait, that’s a volcano.

Night of the Living Blog

I haven’t posted on this blog in hyperbolically forever. Why? Because that’s how I roll, bitches. It’s called blogging Alzheimers. Start a blog. Be all exited about it. Rabidly post for a while. Get a few comments telling you that you’re an idiot. Delete the posts because you feel like like a sap. Do a few more posts. And then, forget that you even have the blog.

Anyway, this blog has been in the ICU/coma unit since, I think, July. My last post was about Sherwood Schwartz dying. I must have been severly depressed because, egads, I stopped posting. Or maybe, I just became interested in something else. I go through phases, you know. WordPress, Tumble. Blogger, Tumblr, WordPress, Blogger, Pinterest, Facebook (for about 2 seconds), WordPress, blahbidy blah blah blah.

I must admit that I spend a lot of time on Tumblr. I like it because you only have to have the mind of a 12 year old and possess limited verbal skills to receive instant gratification. But, unfortunately, Tumblr is currently on the fritz. At least mine is. So, I decided to come here.

Another reason that I have returned is because I got a new computer. The old one was crap. I couldn’t load updates and it had all kinds of viruses. It was jacked to the limit. But, it still worked. Somewhat. What I could do and see on WordPress was very limited. It wouldn’t show stats or posts from people I was subscribed to or featured posts or ANYTHING. All I could see was YOUR BROWSER IS OUTDATED. I felt like the whole world was moving ahead and that I was still driving the Flintstone car (people on Tumblr would be like, “Who are the Flintstones”?).

OMG, you started posting on that piece of crap blog again!

So, since I got this new and moderately-priced computer from Best Buy, I have decided – since I can actually see what’s going on again (WordPress-wise) – to maybe do a post, or maybe even start the shit back up.

I even changed the blog theme . OMG. Shut up!

This blog isn’t supposed to be serious, or anything. It’s more of a ‘I’m at the bar and I just drank 3 shots of tequila really fast and my face is getting numb and I am gonna start acting stupid but try to keep my composure, but that’s really not going to happen because I’m drunk’ blog.

Anyway, let me leave you with this video of a song I like.

Goodbye Sherwood

Sherwood Schwartz died yesterday. I felt kind of melancholy when I heard about it. He was responsible for two of my favorite tv shows; Gilligans’s Island and The Brady Bunch.

When I was a kid, I wanted to live on Gilligan’s Island. Daily social situations and interactions appeared a lot easier when there are only 7 people involved.
As a child I always related to Gilligan. He was always getting into trouble and goofing stuff up. So was I.
When I was in high school I came up with the idea that all of the castaways had died in the ship wreck and the island was their Heaven. Eventually, that Rescue From Gilligan’s Island movie came out and wrecked the whole theory.

Interesting trivia
In the opening credits of the first season, you can see a flag flying at half-mast in the background. President Kennedy had just been assassinated not too long before it was filmed.

Schwartz was also responsible for The Brady Bunch. I was 12 when the show premiered in 1969 and most of the kids on the show were in my age group. I was able to relate to most of them. In the beginning, Jan was my favorite. I had a crush on her. Later on she went all wacky and Greg became my favorite. He was the oldest and the boss. So was I.
I always thought it was interesting that there were 12 steps on the Brady stairs. Kind of like the 12 Step Program.
It’s interesting to me that in most of the publicity shots, where the family is standing on the stairs, Jan is usually on the 6th step. In the 12 Step Program no. 6 is Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. It did seem that Jan WAS the most defective Brady. Or at least had the most neuroses.
I have no talent.
I can’t find a boyfriend.
I’m ugly.
I won the essay contest, but OOPS, it was a mistake. I didn’t really win.

I’m so glad I finally stopped relating to her.

Anyway, RIP Sherwood Schwartz. Living to be 94 is pretty damn good.

Anagrams

Television = It’s one evil
Adolf Hitler = Rill of death
Perry Mason = Smeary porn
George Washington = War on: He gets going
Alex Trebek = Exert bleak
Albert Einstein = Ten elite brains
Arkansas = A rank ass
Ronald Reagan = An oral danger
Planet Earth = Plant heater
Alexander Graham Bell = Real bad hex – All rang me
American Citizen = Cretinize maniac

It’s July and hot

Hmmmm…I haven’t done a post in about a week. Slacker! I’ve been kind of busy and distracted. The 4th of July, birthdays, people coming to the house to fix stuff, blabbity blabbity blah.

Speaking of which, UGH, I have a birthday coming up in a few weeks. Again UGH. It’s not so bad if you’re like 12, but when you get to be in your 50s it’s just another step closer to Forest Lawn.

It has been really hot here. It was 106 today. Lucky for me this house has state of the art super saver hospital quality air conditioning. Everything else may be Levittown commensurate, but the air is right on fabulous. Just like the kind that they put in those houses on that Extreme Makeover: Home Edition show when the kids have some type of breathing disorder. I used to like that show, but now I can’t change the channel fast enough. Ty Pennington is like Pollyanna in dire need of ritalin, or whatever the crap they give hyperactive kids these days. – P.S. I abhor that show!

I won a caption contest, yay. It’s on Jamie’s blog. Go here to see it.

I got over 1000 hits on my Jeopardy post today, and not one complaint about how I was ruining someone’s life because they came across and read the final  question and answer before they saw the show. Anyway, I got it wrong, as did all 3 of the contestants. I said Louis XVI. They did too. It seemed like a logical answer. Too bad it was Robespierre (I prolly spelled that wrong. IDK.)

I think I’m done now. Bye.

Thanks for nothin’

I’m kinda pissed. I was actually making money with the Amazon Associates program. Then I get this email.

Hello,
For well over a decade, the Amazon Associates Program has worked with a large number of Arkansas residents. Unfortunately, a new state tax law signed by Governor Beebe compels us to terminate this program for Arkansas-based participants. It specifically imposes the collection of taxes from consumers on sales by online retailers – including but not limited to those referred by Arkansas-based affiliates like you – even if those retailers have no physical presence in the state.
We opposed this new tax law because it is unconstitutional and counterproductive. It was supported by big-box retailers that seek to harm the affiliate advertising programs of their competitors. Similar legislation in other states has led to job and income losses, and little, if any, new tax revenue. We deeply regret that its enactment forces this action. The unfortunate consequences of this legislation on Arkansas residents like you were explained to the legislature, including Senate and House leadership, as well as to the Governor’s staff.
As a result of the new law, contracts with all Arkansas residents participating in the Amazon Associates Program will be terminated on July 24, 2011. Those Arkansas residents will no longer receive advertising fees for sales referred to Amazon.com, Endless.com, MYHABIT.COM or SmallParts.com. Please be assured that all qualifying advertising fees earned on or before July 24, 2011 will be processed and paid in full in accordance with the regular payment schedule.
You are receiving this email because our records indicate that you are a resident of Arkansas. If you are not currently a resident of Arkansas, or if you are relocating to another state in the near future, you can manage the details of your Associates account here. And if you relocate to another state after July 24, 2011, please contact us for reinstatement into the Amazon Associates Program.
To avoid confusion, we would like to clarify that this development will only impact our ability to continue to offer the Associates Program to Arkansas residents and will not affect their ability to purchase from http://www.amazon.com.
We have enjoyed working with you and other Arkansas-based participants in the Amazon Associates Program and, if this situation is rectified, would very much welcome the opportunity to re-open our Associates Program to Arkansas residents.
Regards,
The Amazon Associates Team

All I have to say is “Bite me Mike Bebee and bite me Amazon”!

Rhinestone Ropers

Woohoo! My friend Melody made it to the top 48 on America’s Got Talent. She is one half of the Rhinestone Ropers. They are one of the 10 acts that got to go straight through to Hollywood without having to audition a second time. If you watch the show, make sure that you vote for them (if you vote, that is).