Last Night’s American Idol

American Idol was excessively brutal last night. The maudlin and overly-saccharine antics of James made my want to vomit maggot-infested dishrags. That boy is on my penultimate nerve. Jacob, on the other hand, is on my LAST nerve. What is WRONG with those American Idol judges? AND, they had to sing 2 songs. It’s like the Chinese Water Torture squared. Jacob sings sharp – and I don’t mean sharp as in sharply dressed. I mean sharp as in, “You’re singing a semi-tone above the note, and that my friend is commensurate with fingernails on a blackboard”.
And speaking of sharply dressed… who in the crap is dressing Jacob? I’m guessing the wardrobe mistress from Jerry Lewis’ Nutty Professor movie.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating on these guys. They sing a gazillion times better than I do. But there is no way that you can convince me that those 2 guys are 2/5 of the best singers in America.

I already know who is going to win. Scotty McCreery. It’s the easiest prediction in the world. If all gambling was like betting on Scotty for the win, then I would be uber-rich. His win is a no-brainer. Scotty first and James second. It will be a repeat of the Kris Allen/Adam Lambert season. Lauren Alaina will be third.
Scotty had that over-confident look in his eye. He always has that smug look on his face. He knows he’s going to win. He knows he has the double Y vote. Double Y? Yeah, yokel and yahoo. He has the ‘Ma and Pa Kettle sittin’ on the front porch, watching the fire flies’ vote. I don’t care how many teenybops are out there power-texting James Durbin and Lauren Alaina , there is no way he can beat the ‘Ma, I left my teeth on the nightstand, can ya go get’em’ vote. There are tons of borderline decemnovenarians out there with landlines and ‘big black, two ton, rotary, I bought this at Sears in the 1950s when Eisenhower was president’ phones, they are ALL goin to be dialing Scotty’s number. Go check Dial Idol if you don’t believe me.

Personally, I would like to see Haley win. Of the remaining contestants, I like her voice the best. I would buy her album. But unfortunately, I would probably have a better chance of seeing snowballs that I had tossed into hell remain intact, than I would of seeing Haley win this season of AI. More than likely, she will be the one who goes tonight. I’m hoping not. I’m hoping Jacob.

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