Wheel of Hee Haw

I went to the Wheel of Fortune auditions yesterday. What a mess! Not to betray my fellow Arkansans, but OMG people, it’s an audition for Wheel of Fortune, NOT Hee Haw. I really abhor the way that WOF conducts their traveling auditions. The names of the people who get to audition are chosen from a barrel. You can be the best Wheel player in the world, but if your name isn’t chosen, then you are  SH_T   O_T   _F   L_CK.

The auditions were held in a venue that could have doubled for the set of a Beverly Hillbillies barn dance. The only things missing were the hay and the moonshine. I wanted to scream. I came across more that one person who obviously thought that they were there to compete in a Junior Samples look-alike contest.

Hey grandpa, what’s for supper?

Oh yes, and that corpulent lady in the ‘look at me, I’m Patty Page’ gold and silver sequined ‘wider than an airport tarmac’ blouse. I mean, forget the Hindenburg bursting into flames…it just won the Drag Queen of America contest.

The fake Pat and Vanna who emceeed emcee’d (however the crap you spell the past participle/past tense of emcee) the event were SO OBNOXIOUS I wanted to, AGAIN, scream. It was quite evident to me that they found them at the same podunk auditions that they were conducting now.

I's fixin' to draw the names of the next 5 people who'll be kompetin' on this here 'weel of forchun'

After the first 5 names were ostensibly randomly drawn from the ‘I double as a still on the weekends’ barrel, the ‘lucky’ contestants whooped and hollered and ran up onto the stage. Before the game started they were interviewed. The first guy who was interviewed didn’t answer the question. He just grabbed the microphone from the Fake Pat, and started singing.
This is not American Idol and you are not Kris Allen (the auditions were conducted in the same town where past Idol winner, Kris Allen, went to college. P.S. I went there, too).
That, of course, put the seed in everyone’s head to change it from a Wheel of Fortune tryout to a Ted Mack’s Amateur Hour audition. GAG!

After the first 5 were interviewed/sang/danced/recited the Gettysberg Address/re-enacted Rhett and Scarlet’s Virginia Reel dance from Gone With the Wind, the actual game began. I predicted that the first puzzle would be HOMINY GRITS. I was wrong. Good thing there wasn’t a betting window around, or I would have been out 5 bucks. No, the first puzzle was BACHELOR OF EDUCATION. The guy that won that round was a college student. He had stated in his interview that he “hated reading”.

The second round (in which my name was ALSO not drawn) was even more depressing than the first. The guy who had done a shoeless jig to Don McLean’s American Pie, that was blasting over the loudspeakers while we were waiting for the tryouts to begin, was on stage. In his interview he stated that he didn’t like Wheel of Fortune and that he had been dragged by his wife to the auditions.

The glittery Hinderburg lady’s name was called in round 5. In her interview she stated that she was a cake decorator. She was both effusive and ebullient. I remember wondering how many of her cakes actually made it out the front door. I mean, considering her size and all.

In all, 8 rounds were played. My name was never called. I could have stood in line again and waited for the next session, which was to be played in another hour, but I just couldn’t do it. I had to get out of there.

The next time there is a Wheel of Fortune audition in this area, I think that I’ll just stay home and watch a Green Acres rerun. They’re pretty much the same thing.