Ring Ring! Your Middle Age is Calling.

So, I was looking at photos of rotary telephones that I had googled. They had the nerve to call this phone VINTAGE.

That phone is NOT vintage. Retro maybe, but not vintage.

As far as I’m concerned, stuff isn’t vintage until everyone who was alive when it was invented is dead.

Now THESE are vintage.

                      

For me, a phone isn’t truly a phone unless it has a party line, or can be used as a murder weapon.

Also, telephones are supposed to have switchboard operators at the other end.

The phones nowadays suck. Cell phones! Phooey! Sure you can do a lot of stuff with them and I have one, but that’s beside the point. Cell phones have no personality. They’re little electronic annoyances. If you want something dependable, it needs to be linked to a landline… not a satellite.

Every day, thousands of people lose their cell phones. It’s kind of hard to lose a rotary phone. They’re either mounted to the wall or so heavy that you have a be an Olympic athlete weightlifter to pick them up. 

I’ll admit that rotary phones CAN be a pain in the butt. Especially if you’re trying to be the first caller to a radio station, so that you can win tickets to the Mott the Hoople concert, and you misdial on the last number. But so what. The concert probably would have sucked anyway.

You can’t take rotary landline phones with you. So what. The bells are super-loud and you can hear them from a mile away. Think of all the exercise you will get when run your ass off to answer the phone before the person hangs up.

You can’t text with a rotary phone. Okay, so write a letter and give the mailman something to do. Besides, texting is so annoying anyway. You don’t even have to know how to spell. All you have to know is the first letter of the word.

OMG
TTFN
TTYL
IDK
KMAMF
GTH
LMFAO
BAMF
YWBWIJH

Can you imagine what it would have been like if our Forefathers would have had texting capabilites?

Yo J. I’m riting the preamb 2 that const. thing we were talkin bout. How this B?

WTPOTUSIO2FAMPU

BITD – I mean, back in the day, we were left to our own devices. If you got stranded somewhere, or even kidnapped, then you had to actually use your imagination to get yourself out of the precarious prediciment. No calling or texting. Just your wits and survival skills. Nowadays, if people don’t have their cell phone and they get lost, they just die.

Cell phones turn people into zombies. Take a look at a zombie movie and then take a look at a busy metropolis during lunch hour. It’s the same scene. People ambling aimlessly, oblivious to anything other that the vapid conversation coming from the other end of the phone. They run into buildings. They walk into heavy traffic. Some have even fallen into water fountains.

Heaven forbid if there’s a bluetooth involved. Then they look like psych ward out-patients. Running around like a raving lunatics and flailing their arms. One-sided arguments that sound like psycho-babble.

You think, “Are they talking to me”?
“Is this a crazy person that I should run from”?

Who needs Big Brother when people have cell phones? They constantly rat themselves out. From their cell phones, they update their social networking sites with maps pinpointing exactly where the are. They blab everything to the world. They post pictures of themselves committing crimes. They send nude pictures of themselves. What kind of idiotic behavior is this? Do you WANT people to think you’re an idiot? Do you WANT the cops to know where you are when you break the law? Do you WANT to have to resign from public office?

This past weekend I went to a cell phone store to get a different plan. The girl was like, “Ummm, you only use an average of 13 minutes a month. You could probably get by with a lesser plan.”

Actually, I could probably get by with a rotary landline phone.

All the Cool Stuff

I love Perry Mason. It’s my favorite TV show of all time.  Park Avenue Beat, which is the name on the Perry Mason theme song, is the ring tone on my phone.

I like all of that noir, detective, crime, pulp and courtroom drama stuff. I think that I’ve read just about every Perry Mason novel there is. Erle Stanley Gardner is my favorite author.

I have all of the Perry Mason DVDs that have come out so far. But, I want them all…NOW! I hate when they take forever to come out with TV shows on DVD. Especially the ones that I like.

Dear Classic TV DVD People,
Please release everything at once. Spreading it out over months, and even years drives me crazy. I might die before the last season is released.

Sincerely Yours,
A disgruntled classic tv DVD watcher person who impatiently wants everything NOW

That was Bob. He wanted to know where the rest of the frickin Perry Mason DVDs were.

 I also like all of that old music that is associated with the crime and courtroom genre. I found a site a while back where you can listen to all that type of music. One of my favorite composers who did that kind of stuff was Syd Dale. He was an absolute musical genius. One of his best is The Hellraisers. If you click on the link below, it should take you to the KPM site, where you can listen to some of his tunes. Hellraisers is the second song. All you have to do is click on the music note (If you click on it and it says that your session has timed out or asks you to sign in, just back click, and try it again. It should work).

 
Syd Dale Music

Here are some other links that will take you to some of the various genres on the KPM site. All you have to do is click on the music notes to hear the songs.

 
Crime Scene
Close to the Edge
Conspiracy and Crime
The Action Machine

Another absolutely awesome site is the Prelinger Archives. They have old movies, tv shows, ephemera. classic radio shows, commercials, documents, music, etc. It’s all free to download, or you can just watch or listen from the site. It might take a few minutes to find certain things, but it’s well worth it.

They even have those old Coronet Instructional Films from the 40s and 50s. Here is one of my favorites.
Dating: Do’s and Don’ts (1949)

If you like vintage and retro advertising, like I do, then Plan59 is a cool site. They have colorful and high quality retro ads that are quite amusing. The old ads section is my favorite.

If you like vintage historical pics, then Shorpys is the site to go to.

Another site with old pictures of historical events and famous people is Old Pictures.

Here is some other cool stuff to do and sites to go to.

U.S. States Quiz

MyFonts

Illustrators

Soma FM

Project Gutenberg